Monday, December 17, 2012

5 Bootleg Toys To Buy For Christmas

Tick tock, tick tock. Do you hear that annoying little sound slithering through you ears, Mom/Dan/Uncle Steve? That's the sound of the time you have left to buy those expensive Christmas gifts for your children slipping through those big meaty hands of yours. You told yourself you weren't going to wait until last-minute to go Christmas shopping, yet, here you are waiting last-minute like always. You could venture yonder to those tacky toy stores now and fight your way through a mob of psychotic parents trying to get their hands on any must-have toys they can find, or you could be smart (and cheap) and take a nice stroll to your local dollar store or flea market and purchase these almost acceptable alternatives. Just think, come Christmas day your children's face will glow as brightly as Rudolph's red nose when they see these generic brand toys . . . until they break after five minutes of playtime. But hey, for those five minutes you'll be the greatest Mom/Dad/Uncle Steve in the world.

Amicable Herculean

Ninja Turtles are really hot this season with the new Nickelodeon show on the air now, so pick up a couple of these Amicable Herculean figures for your kids. They're green, they're turtles, and they have swords. Your kids will never know the difference. Unless they're not blind. Then the will notice the difference immediately. 

Crucifixion Man

Christmas isn't just about Santa Clause and the gifts he brings in exchange for eating all of our cookies; it's about the birth of a man who spread good will and later died for our sins. His name escapes me at the moment, but your kids can reenact the famous death of what's-his-name with this fun for all ages crucifixion kit. Everything you need is here: you got the cross, the nails, the man attached to the cross, and his trusty shotgun. I love it when toys are historically accurate.  

Power Mans

No need to pinch yourself, this isn't a dream. There are five--count 'em, five--Batman-like figures in this package. Yes, they look nothing like the heroes advertise on the box, but who cares? You get FIVE BATMAN FIGURES!

Thomas the Transformer 

Back in my grandpa's day, all you would get for Christmas is the same choo choo train every year and there was nothing you could do about it but force a grin on your face and cry internally. However, the kids of today are spoiled rotten with technology and will loathe these simple, but archaic toys. That's why you need to spruce up the classics, like this Transformer Thomas the Tank Engine toy. Let's see little Jimmy find trains boring after he tries to assemble these PBS inspired locomotives into a robot of mass destruction. 

Super Heroes Justice League

Make your children's fan fictions come to life with this well-researched Justice League figurine set. Almost all the members are here: Spider-Man, Batman, Iron Man, and everyone's favorite American superhero: Naruto. The only superhero missing from the lineup was Aquaman, who was rejected for being Aquaman.