Does This Sound Familiar?

THE FIVE BEST THINGS NO ONE TELLS YOU ABOUT GETTING PAID TO WHINE ABOUT YOUR LIFE ON THE INTERNET by, Colby Jack Hey there folks. I used to drink. I quit. That makes me Jesus. #5 - BEING A COMPLETE DOUCHE Check out this stock photo of a football player making the world's most obnoxious face. Makes your skin crawl, don't it? Question: Who does this picture make you want to hit more, the football player or me for thinking it was a cute thing to include in the article? Answer: I won't be reading your answers in the comments anyway because you suck. #4 - BEING A PETTY TOOL I'm a gamer so I have nerd credibility so *pbbbbbbbbt* Nerds suck! Swirlie! #3 - BEING A POMPOUS ASSHOLE This is where I get all high-school guidance counselor on you and act all deep and "real." Then weak-minded idiots send me a bunch of Tweets about how much I helped them because some people are suckers for any random asshole giving out advice about "life" no matter how trite, stupid, or senseless it is. Later I gather all the Tweets into a pile and jerk off onto them. #2 - BEING AN INSUFFERABLE BORE I'm a professional jokey joke-telling jokester, even though I haven't written a funny line in half a decade and I sound like some kind of cranky old bitch half the time. However, I get paid paid to write for a comedy site, therefore I must be funnier than you. Send me more tweets! #1 - BEING A TOTAL PIECE OF SHIT Jokes on you. I wrote this purposely to piss people off and so you just proved how much you suck by being pissed off. Logic! Oh, and your accounts been deleted. I'm going off to make out with David Wong. Later! When Colby Jack isn't being a jerk on the internet, he's busy enjoying the smell of his own ass. *Lame white guy saying 'Pimp Bus' joke* *fart noise!*